


Back to Before

by halfwit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brother Feels, Brotherly Love, Dean is dead, Driving to the bunker, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I was really ticked at Sam, I'm Sorry, No Plot/Plotless, No Slash, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Episode: s09e23 Do You Believe In Miracles?, Sad Sam, major character death offscreen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:59:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwit/pseuds/halfwit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Metratron stabs Dean, Sam makes the drive back to the Bunker with his brother's body, and thinks about the road they've traveled to this point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to Before

The road stretched out like infinite ink in front of Sam Winchester. He tried to focus on the most basic of tasks – just something to keep focused, to keep his eyes from drifting to the back seat, knowing what he would see were he to look. The drive seemed endless. Miles and miles of pitch black tar in front of him. The journey didn’t seem as long before. Of course before he was a passenger: Just along for the ride, as always, trying to keep his older brother, Dean, from jumping into a fight with Metatron without thinking. In some ways, the drive together was grounding, it was the most normal they had been in months. Now, it was different.

It only had been a few hours since he watched as Metatron stabbed the angel blade into his brother’s chest. Only a brief span of time, in the grand scheme of things, but it felt so much longer. It felt so much colder, it felt as black as the road in front of him, as dark as the thoughts swirling in his mind. He should have done something, he thought viciously to himself. He had seen how the Mark of Cain was twisting Dean, making him colder, more distant, but Sam didn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything, because he still was mad at Dean for taking his choice away from him. He was angry at Dean for allowing Gadreel to heal him. He was mad at Dean because Kevin died. He was mad because Dean always had to sacrifice, because he never thought he was important. And yes, Sam said things in his anger that he didn’t mean. He never meant that he didn’t love his brother. He never meant that he wouldn’t do anything to save Dean; but, once those words were spoken out loud, it was a point of pride. It was too hard for Sam to say he was sorry. He wouldn’t say it until Dean did.

Anger slowly was eclipsed by worry. When Sam first saw the Mark of Cain, he silently cursed his impulsive brother – always ready to leap in and take the risk, without knowing the consequences, or not caring about the consequences. Even though he worried about the changes he saw in his brother, Sam couldn’t bring himself to work to bridge the chasm they both created in their relationship. Fundamentally, he knew nothing had changed: He still loved Dean and would do whatever he could to save his brother, regardless of what he said before, and he knew Dean felt the same for him. Sam thought he would have more time. He thought Castiel and Gadreel would find the Angel tablet, and that Dean would be able to defeat Metatron with the First Blade. Sam tried to have hope, but that hope burned to ash with a swift blade to the heart.

The hours dragged infinitely slowly as the miles passed under the Impala’s wheels, the steady rumble of Dean’s beloved car an irritant to his already frayed nerves. Sam wanted to believe there was something he could do. There had to be something, Winchesters didn’t just die. Sam would make a deal, he would find a spell, he would summon Crowley and get him to fix the damage he caused. Sam vowed to himself that he would do whatever he could to save his brother. He huffed an ironic laugh. The very thing that he had said to hurt Dean, the most fundamental lie he ever told – he knew it was wrong to tell Dean that he wouldn’t do whatever he could to save him, if there situation was reversed. He was just so angry at his brother. So angry that his choice had been taken from him; that Dean had again tricked him – and that had led to Sam’s survival at the cost of Kevin. Sam just said the first thing he could think of that would cut Dean to the quick; he just didn’t imagine his actions would bring them here. Tears began to pour down Sam’s face. He just wanted to go back to the way things were. He wanted the Winchesters to kick ass and take down demons – saving people, hunting things, the family business – the way it used to be in the beginning.

As the silence settled oppressively around him, Sam considered turning on the radio – but, he couldn’t bear to listen to Dean’s music, and he didn’t want Dean to have to listen to his “emo” music. Sam’s thoughts began to swirl and the memories began to break through the surface. He remembered the bright memories of he and Dean as kids. John might not always have been around, but Dean made his childhood the best possible given their circumstances. Sam felt a watery ghost of smile across his face when he thought of their prank wars, how mad he was at Dean when he put Nair in Sam’s shampoo. He remembered their endless hours in the Impala together, talking, getting to know each other better than most siblings ever could. He wants that camaraderie back. He wants his brother by his side, he wants his brother in the driver’s seat, listening to his Metallica cassettes for the millionth time. He wants to go with Dean as he gets his favorite pie, or pretending not to see when his brother watches his favorite Dr. Sexy episode. Finally, Sam breaks down and looks into the back seat to the blood splattered mess that is his brother’s broken body. Tears pouring down his face, unable to stop the flood now that it started it isn’t long before sobs begin to wrack Sam’s frame. Pulling over to the side of the road, Sam gives in to his grief.

“I’m so sorry Dean,” Sam gasped through his tears. “I didn’t mean it, I could never mean it. You’re my big brother: There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I never should have tried to convince you otherwise. There is nothing that I would put before you.”

Sam’s voice was hoarse and rasping, raw from his tears, from his grief, from disuse as he repeated these words over and over again. He needed to say this. He needed his brother to hear, even in the spiritual realm – he wanted Dean to know how sorry he was.

“I take it back,” Sam said as he leaned his head against the cold leather of the steering wheel. “I just want my brother back.”

Sam sat in the car for several moments longer until his tears slowed and he felt his vision clear enough to begin to drive again. He needed to finish the drive back to the Bunker. He needed to get to work to find a way to save his brother. He needed to find a way to get back to before.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about this fic all summer, ever since the season 9 finale. I think it turned out a little more uneven than I would have liked, but I am happy I was able to get it up and posted before the season premiere. I hope you like it. Please let me know :-)


End file.
